Your Company’s Post-Pandemic Work Policy, Explained
A clarifying guide to what your company really thinks about remote work
Hello [Employee Name]!
At [Company Name], we’ve enjoyed saving money this past year on electricity, cafeteria food, and sexual harassment lawsuits. But we miss seeing you all at your desks, and walking about town on the weekends wearing your company billboards (a.k.a. t-shirts). It pains us, like a parent saying goodbye to their child, to see you filling your days with dance classes, baking experiments, and childcare, all during hours when we are paying you to work.
Not that we don’t support that! We love that you’re finding new balance in your flexible schedules, and gaining meaning by perfecting your sourdough crust.
But as they say, we should work to live and live to work. That’s why we’ve developed a comprehensive, post-pandemic program that maximizes employee choice.
There are three options for employees to choose from: Hybrid Basic, Hybrid Premium, and Hybrid Plus Plus.
HYBRID BASIC is perfect for the employee who rarely wants to see their co-workers.
Under this plan, you only need to be present in the office 28% of the year. In order for us to plan desk allocation, you will need to submit your on-site days one year in advance, and must commit to being present on our CEO’s birthday (for which it would be nice, though not required) for you to bring a gift. In addition, your salary will be deducted 2% to contribute to the development of automatic muting and video-off features for when you choose to join meetings from the bathroom.
You will be expected to follow “Collaboration Hours,” which begin at 9 a.m. Eastern and end at 9 p.m. Pacific, and reflect the hours when you will be expected to be online and available to your co-workers. Because we won’t know your physical whereabouts, our Collaboration Hours framework ensures that you will always be online and available, and that we’re able to retain the “always on, always a team” spirit that we’ve long cultivated here at Headquarters.
As for the remaining 72% of the year, we want to support your remote experience to the fullest. That’s why we’ve set up co-working spaces in case you crave human contact or need basic IT support. Starting next month, hot desks will be ready for you in Wadi Halfa, Sudan; Dallol, Ethiopia; and Death Valley, California.
Note that under the Hybrid Basic plan, you are responsible for your own air-conditioning, internet service, and food. There is also no massage service, gym membership, or upward career trajectory.
HYBRID PREMIUM is a great choice for professionals who understand the importance of in-person communication.
With Hybrid Premium, you will work in the office a minimum of three days a week. In addition, your presence will be required in the office for all team and company meetings, as well as every Wednesday, every fifth day, and any day that immediately precedes or follows a long-weekend.
Under the plan, you will be entitled to free drinks and snacks in the office, though your bag will be checked before returning home each night to ensure you are not hydrating outside work on the company dime. You will also be expected to clean up and vacuum the area around your work station so that it can be used by someone else the following day.
HYBRID PLUS PLUS is our most popular plan as it gives employees ample flexibility and freedom.
With Hybrid Plus Plus, employees get unlimited access to organic fruit and delicious snacks, use of an onsite gym, and uninterrupted air-conditioning and heating. Frequent, in-person access to co-workers is also provided, as is a large desk that you may populate with various personal accoutrements like photos and your favorite mug.
Simplicity and community are at the heart of the typical Hybrid Plus Plus working day: 12 hours of office presence, PLUS 4 hours of time at home each day for breakfast and/or dinner, PLUS 8 hours to sleep where you choose (we’ve just ordered 300-thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets for the office beds!).
Hybrid Plus Plus is a true hybrid model, with a bit of home, a lot of workplace, and the freedom to be where you’re most needed — right here with us.
We look forward to welcoming all of you back to the office post-pandemic, taking full advantage of the hybrid option that works best for you. As a valued employee, we support you in any decision you make, though remember: it’s much easier to fire someone over video chat.